Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What a Difference

What a difference a year makes...

This time last year, I was immersed in an ocean of self-loathing.
A miserable and depressing pile of a person, not any fun to be around at all.
Convinced that my life was not meant to be what I used to dream it would be.
Determined to accept the lonliness and despair I was feeling, to actually embrace it as being "as good as it was going to get"
Waving the proverbial "white flag" of surrender to all that I wanted and always thought my life would be.

I'd decided that this was as good as it was going to get and that I needed to just accept it and move on.  I'd given up on ever being truly happy in this life.  My "woulda, shoulda, coulda" list was endless.

My life seemed empty and I honestly couldn't see how it would ever be full like so many other people I know lives were full, full of friends, family, peace, happiness, joy...

I just figured I'd made too many mistakes and that I just simply didn't deserve what everyone else had.

Fast forward to this year. 

The difference is astounding, immeasurable...

Last year, I was going through the motions of Christmas.
This year, I was directly involved in our church's children's musical.
Last year, I was on the verge of giving up all hope.
This year, I saw the hope that Jesus gave to the world when he was born.
Last year, I was spending my free time on the computer, wasting my days away.
This year, I spent my free time in my garage, painting the backdrop for the kiddos' play at church.
Last year, I was crying about how pathetic I thought my life was.
This year, I was crying as Myddle H told me the story of how she felt "different" lately.  Of how one day, at the end of church, she felt something she's never felt before.  How she knew it was the right time to pray the prayer at the end of church and ask Jesus into her heart.  Of how she was saved.

What a difference a year makes.  

I'm sitting here today, living proof that if you give your heart to God and give up control of your life, He will make it better. He made the sorrow inside of me turn into joy.  He changed my self-loathing into self-acceptance.  He has already made my life so much better and I can see the effect He is having on every member of our family, too.

I'm struggling with how to share this good news with people I know.  I'm worried they will see me as a "fake" a "hypocrite" a "phony" -- Those people who know me and who have known me all these years would probably have a hard time believing what I am feeling is honest and sincere.

However,I want to share this thought with anyone who is currently where I was last year, it would be this:

If He can change my heart, imagine what He will do with yours.  

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