What a Difference

What a difference a year makes...

This time last year, I was immersed in an ocean of self-loathing.
A miserable and depressing pile of a person, not any fun to be around at all.
Convinced that my life was not meant to be what I used to dream it would be.
Determined to accept the lonliness and despair I was feeling, to actually embrace it as being "as good as it was going to get"
Waving the proverbial "white flag" of surrender to all that I wanted and always thought my life would be.

I'd decided that this was as good as it was going to get and that I needed to just accept it and move on.  I'd given up on ever being truly happy in this life.  My "woulda, shoulda, coulda" list was endless.

My life seemed empty and I honestly couldn't see how it would ever be full like so many other people I know lives were full, full of friends, family, peace, happiness, joy...

I just figured I'd made too many mistakes and that I just simply didn't deserve what everyone else had.

Fast forward to this year. 

The difference is astounding, immeasurable...

Last year, I was going through the motions of Christmas.
This year, I was directly involved in our church's children's musical.
Last year, I was on the verge of giving up all hope.
This year, I saw the hope that Jesus gave to the world when he was born.
Last year, I was spending my free time on the computer, wasting my days away.
This year, I spent my free time in my garage, painting the backdrop for the kiddos' play at church.
Last year, I was crying about how pathetic I thought my life was.
This year, I was crying as Myddle H told me the story of how she felt "different" lately.  Of how one day, at the end of church, she felt something she's never felt before.  How she knew it was the right time to pray the prayer at the end of church and ask Jesus into her heart.  Of how she was saved.

What a difference a year makes.  

I'm sitting here today, living proof that if you give your heart to God and give up control of your life, He will make it better. He made the sorrow inside of me turn into joy.  He changed my self-loathing into self-acceptance.  He has already made my life so much better and I can see the effect He is having on every member of our family, too.

I'm struggling with how to share this good news with people I know.  I'm worried they will see me as a "fake" a "hypocrite" a "phony" -- Those people who know me and who have known me all these years would probably have a hard time believing what I am feeling is honest and sincere.

However,I want to share this thought with anyone who is currently where I was last year, it would be this:

If He can change my heart, imagine what He will do with yours.  

Beginning Again

Nearly three years ago, I started this blog in an attempt to become more grateful for the blessings in my life.  I thought the title was clever for many reasons -- first of all, it's a play off of the common phrase "attitude adjustment"  -- I've needed one of those for a long, long time.  It also shows the desire for my heart to change, to go from being someone who complains at the drop of a hat to someone who gives sincere thanks for everything, even those things which seem inconvenient or insigificant. 

I didn't realize it then, but back in 2009, a seed had been planted in my heart to make this change in my outlook on life.  I can't remember exactly how or when it was, but I had been feeling for a while that I needed to make a conscious effort to offer thanks for all that I've been given. So, I started the blog as a New Year's resolution and posted frequently for a while.

As New Year's Resolutions go, I started strong and then slowly, but inevitably, I fell back into the trap of working too much, griping and complaining just as much, and taking for granted those things that people in different circumstances would give all they had for.

Since I first started this blog, I've grown older and I'd like to think wiser. Amazingly over the past three years, and especially within the last six months, I've accepted who I am and what gifts and challenges I've been given in this life.  I've been transformed from the inside out -- I am no longer a depressed, ungrateful, self-loathing wife, mom, and teacher. I am a new me, a calm and peaceful person who actually looks in the mirror in the morning and gives thanks for another day to live this life I'm blessed to live.

People I've known for a over a decade now have noticed this change in me and some have even asked me what I attribute the difference to... Maybe it's a new medication or an inspiring book, or even a magic formula. 

I am more than happy to share my "secret" with anyone who asks:

My new medication is Jesus, the book I'm reading is the Holy Bible, and the formula to happiness and peace is giving all that I am and all that I have to the One who created me. 

A flame has been lit inside of me that cannot be extinguished.
I've totally and completely surrended myself to Him. 

My mind and heart are so full of thoughts, questions, examples, and so much, much more that relates to the amazing mercy that was shown to each of us at the cross.  I am going to use this blog as a way of documenting my continued transformation towards being truly and completely grateful for every single thing. 

Now I understand. 
Now I know. 
Everything that happens and everyone I encounter in this life happens for a reason. 

And I choose to be grateful for every single blessing, especially those which don't seem like "my idea" of a blessing at the time.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8


1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.